Humor: Good, Bad, and Worst advice

By Micah Green, KeriAyn Munnich, and James Hutchison

Question: "What can you do with an associates degree?"

Good advice

by Mitchell Greeb

     What can an associate's degree be used for? That's an excellent question! There’s no right or wrong way to use an associates degree.

     Maybe you're racking your brain looking for the "perfect" major. Just jump in!! You’re not morally or ethically obligated to follow a particular path.

     Maybe you're in the middle of your college journey, and you can't help but ask yourself "When will I ever use this stuff?"

     Maybe you're about to finish your associate's degree and you're wondering where to go from here?

     Your associate's degree is the doorway to the next stage of your life. Even if your degree is in something obscure, like accounting, you will still find that the lessons you learned along the way help you confront any challenge life can throw at you.

     What I'm saying is, don't worry so much! Maybe you’ll discover something in your studies that sets you on a new path. Maybe you’ll meet someone who knows someone who’s looking for your unique blend of skills. Maybe one of your classmates has more smarts and motivation than you; maybe you marry them. Then you won’t have to work another day in your life!

     Those are just a few scenarios I came up with on the fly. I'm sure if you apply a little lateral thinking to your personal situation, you can begin to see how useful that piece of paper can be.

So, what can an associate's degree be used for? Whatever you want!

Mitchell Greeb is a retired motivational speaker living his best life in trailer parks and campgrounds all around the lower 48. After completing 17 credit hours at the Chipadee Community College in Kansas, he rebelled against the industrial military capitalistic machine. However, even a nomadic existence hopping from state to state requires some cash flow, so that’s why I’m working for this paper now.

Bad Advice

by Anonymous

An associate’s degree? I ain’t never been to no college. I was shipped away to ‘nam when I was eighteen years old… My old woman o’er there was waitin’ for me when I got back. ‘Xept she was a deal prettier back then. Wanted a lot of kids, too. So I couldn’t say no to ‘er. In fact, lil Jimmy could probably tell you a lot more about this associate degree than I ever could. Think he goes by Jim now. But I ‘spose you could make more of a livin’ off one of ‘em than I ever did. My wife an’ I was scrapin’ by on a nickel and a can o’ beans at times. Poor young Darrel was as skinny as a twig. I was ‘fraid he would break in half if I so much as poked ‘em. But it was all we could do to keep ‘em alive. If I had one of ‘em degrees, I ‘spose what I would do with it is make the money to feed my family, at leas’ when they were still livin’ with us on the farm… maybe get the wife a face lift. Yeah, she would do a lil better if she didn’t age like she did. Her cookin’s still alright, though. Can make a fine tater tot casserole, mmhm. With an associate degree, I would probly buy a few pounds of ‘em for her to cook up. And hell, I could go down to the bar e’ry weekend. But tha’s what I would do... Hey, what kinda jobs does a fella get with one of ‘em anyhow?

Worst Advice

by Stan the Stink Man

It’s Stan the Stink Man and I’m here to tell ya whatcha can do with that fancy associate’s degree! The options are endless and the sky’s the limit for taking your future to the next level. I have many A.Ds that I got from good ole Sauk Valley Community College (the teachers there love me) and I done made a buncha money selling copies of them online.

That’s right! Scan you’re A.D. into your computer machine and open up an editing program (that you probly learned how to do with an A.D.), erase your name from the document and sell custom copies to the highest bidder online! All you gotta do is put a fresh name and email it to your customers pronto. Hell, I’ve made a few hundred bucks selling my A.D. credentials to people all over the world. There’s many-a cop with Stan the Stink Man’s Custom Made-to-Order Associate’s Degrees protecting our streets.

It doesn’t even stop there. Take it to the next level and take that clean copy of your A.D. in your computer and make a buncha random names, print off a whole stack, then take a trip downtown to find the homeless camps and sell them for 5 to 20 bucks a pop. You’ll make a difference AND  make a little pocket money for that Burger King Whopper you been cravin’.

Course’, the more A.Ds you have, the more options you got for making a profit. So stay in school, get more A.Ds to expand your options and make the world a better place with your own versions of Stan the Stinkman’s Custom Made-to-Order Associate’s Degrees.

But don’t do it in the greater Dixon/Sterling area. I don’t need the competition!